


Voices All Around.

by BirthrightSoup



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I promise it will get better in the end, I'll tag this as I go, I'm Bad At Summaries, Mental Health Issues, Michael and Jeremy are platonic in this, Multi, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, post squip, will fix the tags later I just gotta post this before bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 06:50:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18823339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirthrightSoup/pseuds/BirthrightSoup
Summary: Without the squip Jeremy thought everything would go back to normal. The loudest voice in his head is his, and sometimes that voice can be worse than the squip ever was.





	1. Chapter 1

It took a few weeks for Michael to pretty much fully forgive Jeremy after the squip. Their friendship is pretty much back to normal but it's a little different then it was before. The closeness is still there but there’s less trust then there was before. Something else is different and it takes Michael a while to figure out what it is, Jeremy is different. It’s not like how he was when he had the squip. Something about him just seems off and it’s worrying.

They’re back to trying to beat level nine of apocalypse of the damned. Back to being stuck on the level. They’re not playing it in the same way the used to, they’re just sitting and playing and not talking. Michael tries to make conversation but Jeremy’s half-hearted responses to everything are making it hard. But Jeremy just seems really out of it and Michael’s getting worried that he isn’t showing any of the usual excitement he usually shows for video games.

He pauses the game, “Hey Jere?”

Jeremy’s eyes are focused on the floor and he doesn’t look up when Michael speaks to him, “What?”.

“Are you okay?” 

Jeremy stays quiet for a moment, “I..I don’t know..”

“What’s wrong?”, Michael asks.

“I don’t really know” and Jeremy sounds so sad and tired and now Michael is definitely worried.

“Do you want a hug?” Michael asks.

Jeremy nods and Michael hugs him tightly. “I’m sorry…” Jeremy mumbles. 

“Don’t be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for”.

Michael’s hug feels really good but Jeremy doesn’t really feel all that much better. He still feels the same deep sadness he’s been feeling since a few weeks after the squip. Right now he’d really like to do nothing more than cry. He buries his face in the fabric of Michael’s hoodie and clings to him tightly and Michael holds him close. Jeremy tries to focus on his breathing so he doesn’t start crying because he’s not going to cry, he’s not going to sob all over Michael because Michael’s put up with enough of his bullshit already and he hurt Michael when he had the squip and doesn’t deserve his comfort.

 

Michael’s voice is soft and full of worry “you’re going to be okay Jere, I’m here, I’ve got you”.

Jeremy’s not able to hold back the tears anymore. He doesn’t even know why Michael words that are meant to be comforting make him start crying so hard he can barely breathe. The emotional toll of everything that happened when he had the squip has been eating away at him for weeks and he can’t take it anymore. Michael’s trying to comfort him but that only makes Jeremy feel more guilty for what he did to Michael when he had the squip. He doesn’t know why Michael is even still talking to him after all that mess.  
He slightly pulls away from Michael so his face isn’t buried in the hoodie anymore. He sniffles and wipes his eyes which does nothing to stop the tears. “Do you hate me?” he asks.

Michael is shocked that Jeremy’s asking that because there’s no way, no way in hell that he’d ever be able to hate Jeremy and he needs to make sure Jeremy knows that. “Never, I could never hate you”.

“How can you not after what I did when I had the squip?”

Michael pulls Jeremy into his lap, Jeremy clings to him even tighter then he already is. “it’s okay, I don’t hate you for that and I never will”. 

Jeremy doesn’t know how long he cries for but he knows it’s for quite a while. When he’s done crying he’s totally exhausted. He doesn’t make any move to let go of Michael and Michael isn’t showing any signs that he’s going to let go of him.

“Are you feeling any better?” Michael asks.

Jeremy thinks for a moment, is he feeling better? He feels kind of guilty for crying all over Michael like that and the sadness is still there but crying out his feelings did make him feel a little better. “A little bit”

Michael starts to gently pet his hair, a gesture that Jeremy’s always found soothing.  
“You’ve been acting off since you got your squip turned off”.

“I’ve been feeling off” Jeremy admits, “I think it really messed me up”.

“You should have told me sooner Jere”

“I know but...I don’t really want to think about it right now” Jeremy says.

“That’s okay,” Michael says.  
Jeremy yawns “I think I just want to sleep right now”. He’s grateful he’s sleeping over at Michael’s house tonight because he honestly doesn’t want to be alone.

“Then let’s go to bed,” Michael says,

They curl up on Michael’s bed together. Jeremy rests his head on Michael’s chest and listens to the sound of Michael’s voice as he talks about how his day was. He might feel sad and broken after the squip but at least Michael’s made it a little better. 

For a few days after having that total breakdown, Jeremy feels better. He released some of those awful feelings that he's been keeping in for weeks. But pretty soon he's back to feeling like shit. The first few weeks after the squip he was fine until the trauma of what had happened hit him.  
Sometimes he still thinks he can hear its voice. He'll be hanging out with Christine and then the voice in his head will say "you don't deserve her". But that voice isn't really the squip's voice, that mean ugly voice is his and no flavor of mountain dew can make it shut up. Falling asleep at night is the worst because without something to occupy his thoughts all the bad one's bubble to the surface.

Jeremy's struggled with self-worth for a long time. He's known what hating himself is like since he was 12. But he used to only hate himself sometimes when he really and truly fucked up. But now he just hates himself all the time no matter what he does. The squip had said that everything about him was terrible and the squip was right because he really is terrible and the squip couldn’t fix that because maybe he’s just too awful to be fixed.

Whenever Michael asks him how he’s doing or if he’s okay Jeremy says that he’s fine. He’s not usually a very good liar but the lie of being okay slips out so easily that it surprises him. He knows that he isn’t okay because okay people don’t feel like he does. But Michael shouldn’t have to deal with all his bullshit. Jeremy brought this upon himself being an idiot and getting the squip so he should deal with it by himself. 

Michael doesn’t really believe that Jeremy’s okay. He doesn’t seem okay at all, he seems sad and tired and just in general not himself.   
He thinks it's because of the squip. But maybe Jeremy wasn't really okay before that either, he's changed since last year for sure and hasn't seemed happy much. Michael's worried that something is really seriously wrong with Jeremy. 

"Everything about you makes me want to die"  
Another thing that the squip said, another thing that Jeremy knows is true. Because as he lays awake right now he really wants to die. So the sadness and hating himself and all the trauma would just go away. Would anyone really care if he died? His dad might care because he's his son but on the hand he's probably just a disappointment. Mom wouldn't care because she's never cared about him at all. His friends might care for a little bit but they'd realize pretty quickly that he's wasn't all that great and won't miss him for long. But part of him is also scared to die. He doesn't want to just lay down being sad so he texts Michael and hopes he'll still be awake.

Jeremy: hey you awake?

Michael: yeah are you okay?

Jeremy: Michael I want to die 

Michael: like seriously or?

Jeremy: I mean that I really fucking want to kill myself right now.

Michael: please don't Jeremy I love you so much please please don't hurt yourself

Michael: Jeremy

Michael's hands are shaking so badly that he can't type anymore. Because Jeremy wants to die and he's not responding and yesterday Jeremy mentioned his dad leaving for a business trip for a few days and he's alone.  
He's close to a panic attack but he doesn't have time to freak out because he needs to get to Jeremy before something awful happens to him. He jumps out of bed and quickly finds his keys. Michael's thoughts keep going over worst case scenarios. What if he's too late and he's going to find Jeremy's body and his best friend will be dead because he wasn't fast enough. He's glad he hasn't lost the spare key that Jeremy gave him to his house. It takes him a second to open the door because his hands won't stop shaking.

Michael finds Jeremy in the bathroom. He nearly cries with relief because Jeremy's okay, he's here and he's breathing and alive.  
He's sitting on the edge of the bathtub and he only briefly looks up from the floor when Michael enters the room. Michael sits next to him, that's when he notices the blood trickling from the cuts on Jeremy's arm.  
"Jeremy, you...you didn't do anything else besides..you didn't take anything right?".

Jeremy still won't look at Michael, "No I didn't". He probably would have if Michael didn't burst in here because of course, Michael would do something like that because he's a good person and he cares about Jeremy too much because Jeremy is terrible.

"You need to clean the cuts," Michael says. Jeremy says nothing but nods slightly. Michael finds bandaids and disinfectant and neither him or Jeremy say a word as he cleans and bandages the cuts. Jeremy's got so many scars and some of them are older and faded and Michael feels awful for never noticing that Jeremy was struggling like this. "Do you want to go back to your room now Jere?".

Jeremy still doesn't speak, he nods and grabs Michael's hand and Michael gently squeezes his hand. They sit on Jeremy's bed and neither of them says anything for a while. Jeremy doesn't let go of Michael's hand. Michael breaks the silence once he can't handle it anymore because he feels like he needs to do something "I'm sorry you're feeling like this and do you need a hug?".

Jeremy stops looking at the floor and looks up at Michael, tears streaming down his face. "I want to die, I hate myself so much and I'm so awful and terrible and I feel broken and like I'm the worst and I can't take it...please help Michael…please please make it stop".

Michael pulls Jeremy into a tight hug. He didn't think it was this bad. Jeremy wants to die and he's hurting so much and he doesn't know how to fix it and that scares him so much. "I don't know how to make it stop Jeremy, I'm sorry".

Jeremy starts crying so hard that he can't breathe properly and he's soaking Michael's shirt with tears. Michael's trying to comfort him and it's not really working because everything is so awful and Jeremy feels so awful and he doesn't know how he's ever going to stop crying because everything hurts and he doesn't deserve Michael's comfort, he doesn't deserve Michael at all.

Eventually, Jeremy exhausts himself and his sobs quiet into soft crying and sniffling. Michael's glad that he's finally calmed down a little even if he feels like he was pretty useless when it came to being comforting.  
"You should get some rest Jere".

Jeremy sniffles and blinks away the tears, "you won't leave right?" He asks. he sounds so broken and small and Michael hates it so much.

"I'm not going anywhere Jeremy, I've got you". Michael's relieved when Jeremy falls asleep a few minutes later. He doesn't try and sleep himself because no way he could sleep after tonight and Jeremy's asleep in his lap and he doesn't want to wake him up.  
He doesn't know what to do next because Jeremy really needs help and he can't help with this. Michael ends up quietly crying for a bit because he's so scared for Jeremy and he's so broken and he doesn't want his best friend to feel like this.

Michael's scared to leave in the morning because he doesn't know what Jeremy will do if he's alone. It takes a lot of convincing from Jeremy that he'll be okay and Michael doesn't end up leaving until Jeremy promises to have Christine come over and to call him if he needs anything at all.

When he gets home Michael manages to avoid his moms and get to his room without them noticing him. He curls up under his blanket and buries his face into his pillow and cries for a long time. He knows he's going to have tell his moms about what's going on with Jeremy and he will but for now, he's just going to sleep so he doesn't have to think about anything for a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

Michael's been trying to think of a way he can tell his moms what's been going on with Jeremy for over a week now. It's not exactly an easy conversation to start. Because he doesn't even like admitting to himself that Jeremy's suicidal because it terrifies him.

He doesn't end up having to ever have that conversation. He's pretty sure he's almost ready and he's thought of a way to say it.  
Then his moms come into a room for a talk.  
Michael gets a horrible sinking feeling that something is really really when he sees their faces. He can't remember what words they used during the conversation because once they mentioned Jeremy he started feeling so panicky that he could barely focus. Despite not remember the exact words he does remember most of the details. Jeremy was in the hospital, Jeremy had tried to kill himself, Jeremy might die, they hadn't said that last one but Michael knew it was true. He asked if he could see Jeremy and his moms had said that of course, he could.

The hospital feels cold or maybe the sense of total dread is making him feel cold. Because he's going to see his best friend who just tried to kill himself. It takes him several minutes to even be able to go into Jeremy's room because he's on the edge of a panic attack and he has to keep calming himself down. But he finally gets the courage to go into the room. 

He has to sit down in the chair next to Jeremy's bedside because he feels like his legs might give out if he doesn't. He gets a real proper look at Jeremy and he's glad he sat down when he did. Jeremy looks so small and vulnerable and he's got bandages on his arms up to his elbows and he's hooked up to so much medical equipment. He looks so little and fragile that he's afraid to touch him. He slowly reaches out a shaky hand and grabs Jeremy's hand, his hand feels small and cold. He knows Jeremy can't hear him but he talks anyways so he can feel like he's doing something. "Jeremy I know you don't want to but you gotta fight, you have to live Jere, you can't leave me...I should have done more for you and I'm sorry because I know I could have done something for you and I'm so so sorry...please please don't leave me...I need you… you have to fight Jeremy...we haven't beat level nine yet…".

Michael can't speak anymore because of the lump in his throat. He tries to blink away the tears that are rapidly falling and blurring his vision. This is his fault if he had just told his moms what was going on with Jeremy instead of waiting to do it this wouldn't have happened. He should have noticed that something was wrong with Jeremy and realized that he was going to do this. Jeremy could die and it would be his fault. Michael refuses to leave the hospital no matter what his moms say. "I have to stay until he wakes up…". There's an unsaid thought "or until he dies". He's going to stay here until he knows the final outcome of this. If that means he has to watch his best friend die then at least he was there until the very end. 

The room is too quiet, the only sounds are the beeps of medical equipment and if he listens closely Michael can hear Jeremy breathing. The slight rise and fall of his chest is the only sign of life that Jeremy has. He looks pretty dead otherwise with how cold and unresponsive he is. Michael talks to fill the silence and just pours his heart out to Jeremy who can't hear him because he's worried he won't even get another chance to say it. "I don't know what I'll do if you die, I'm so scared Jeremy, if you die...you better not die because I don't know how I can live without you, please don't die, I love you so much and I need you to stay alive because I don't know what I'll do without you and I'm so glad to have you in my life. I should have done more for you the first time you said you wanted to kill yourself and I'm so so sorry I didn't and please please stay with me"

 

Michael doesn't sleep that night. He's terrified that if he closes his eyes that Jeremy will get worse while he sleeps and by the time he wakes up it'll be too late to say goodbye. Once he runs out of things to say he just keeps holding Jeremy's cold little hand and watches him breathe and hopes that somehow that his words could push Jeremy to survive this. He's terrified that Jeremy's not going to live through the night.

Jeremy survives until morning. He feels less cold and looks a bit more alive. Michael's still terrified to leave and he's been in the room more than Jeremy's dad at this point.  
His moms still can't get him to leave but they do make him eat something despite him having zero appetite. He convinces them to get him some highly caffeinated drink so he can stay awake for hours longer. He finds ways to fill the agonizingly slow wait for Jeremy to wake up. Reading books from the Kindle app off his phone out loud ends up taking up many of those hours. He doesn't think Jeremy can hear but he still ends up reading books he knows Jeremy likes.

It takes more than 24 hours for Jeremy to wake up and by the time he does wake up Michael's so exhausted that he's nearly fallen asleep. Jeremy makes a little noise and his eyes slowly flutter open. Michael immediately starts crying because Jeremy's really alive and he's awake. 

"Micha..?" Jeremy whispers and he sounds confused and he's still half asleep. 

Michael gives Jeremy's hand a tight squeeze because he can't hug him right now but he can do this "You're okay.."

The fog of sleep is lifting from Jeremy's brain and he remembers what happened before he woke up. He'd had a nightmare about the squip like he'd had so many nights before that and something inside him had just snapped. He couldn't take another minute of this. He's such an awful person and no one would really care if he died so he decided that's what he would do. The details get fuzzy at some point but he remembers bleeding and how much blood had ended up on the floor and how he hadn't really been scared. then a voice he couldn't identify at the time because how fuzzy everything had felt and realized now that it was his Dad. He can’t remember anything after that and he’s pretty sure that he passed out at that point. Dad must have found him bleeding out on the floor. He was alive and Michael was holding his hand and he was crying and Jeremy knows that he's crying because of him and that makes him start crying too.

Michael uses his free hand and wipes his eyes and it doesn't really do much to stop the flow of tears “Don't cry Jere, it’s okay, I'm here, I've got you”

“Michael, I'm sorry”.

Michael begins to stroke his hair.“shhh it's okay, it's okay Jeremy, I'm not angry okay?”.

“Okay…” Jeremy says quietly. He doesn't really think that it's okay. He had just almost died and nothing really feels okay right now. He stays quiet because he has no idea what to say right now. Michael breaks the silence after a few minutes. "I love you so so much Jeremy".

"I love you too Michael"

"I wish I could hug you," Michael says.

" me too but I don't think I can sit up right now". The cuts in Jeremy's arms sting badly and his whole arms have a dull ache and his head really hurts. The thought of moving sounds pretty awful right now. 

Michael looks concerned "Are you in pain?".

"A bit but it's not too bad...I'll be alright".

"Once you're feeling better I'm going to hug you".

Jeremy almost smiles. "I'll be looking forward to it".

Michael protests but his moms insist now that Jeremy's awake and they know he's going to be okay that he has to come home and sleep. Mama couldn't get out of work so Mom comes to drive him home.  
Michael's got a lot of questions that he doesn't think Mom knows that answer to but one of the unanswered questions is bothering him so much that he ends up asking "Mom, what's going to happen to Jeremy?".

"Well...once he's physically recovered enough he's going to need a lot of help mentally so he'll probably stay in the hospital for a while".

A psych ward is what Mom is talking about. He should have been able to figure out himself that that's what would happen to Jeremy after he nearly died by his own choice. He probably won't be able to see Jeremy or even be able to contact him in any way which is going to be hell but at least Jeremy will get better. 

Once he's home Michael just crawls into bed right away even if it's early afternoon because he hasn't slept for like 48 hours and he's totally exhausted. He doesn't usually dream when he's this tired but this time he does and it's a really awful nightmare. He's back in the hospital room with Jeremy but this time Jeremy doesn't survive. He nearly screams when he wakes up from that dream. He must have been asleep for hours because it's dark outside now. His hands won't stop shaking and his breathing is fast and panicky and he doesn't want to go back to sleep. So he lays awake and keeps reminding himself that everything is okay, Jeremy's alive, Jeremy's going to be okay.  
He falls back asleep at some point but not for hours after the nightmare.

Mom's right about Jeremy having to stay in the hospital for a while. He can't visit Jeremy in the impatient child psych ward. Michael thinks it's pretty messed up that a place like that even exists and he hates that his best friend has to stay there. He misses Jeremy like crazy and he worries a lot about how he's doing. 

The nightmares about Jeremy continue. Usually, they're of Jeremy dying and no matter how many times he has the dream it terrifies Michael every time and it takes him forever to fall back asleep afterward. Jeremy could have died and it would have been his fault. He should have told his moms right after he found out Jeremy was suicidal. He wouldn't have gotten to the point of actually trying to kill himself. But he did and Michael didn't even notice that he had gotten that bad. He'd talked to Jeremy the day before that and he should have noticed and should have paid more attention and been a better friend.


End file.
